Ellie chronicles

With the aim to get better place to live for next3x semester,to have tranquility and peace of mind to study, when that opportunity knocked at the door as fated by Allah, without second thought I have packed my beg within few hours (hihi...nothing much in the wardrobe), checked out from a lousy college and checked in to another sanctuary...ermm....okla...nothing can compare those facilities and amenities provided by univ in first world country, universities in here are too much lack behind in many ways...from books, database, colleges and even to the bus schedule...huhuhu (a bus schedule is a matter most to me as am car less)

I think this blog need to moving on as well, perhaps a change is a good word, change the layout and template may be...well let see if I have the mood to do so...now it is not a matter of time as I have a luxury to choose between preoccupy myself in journal and academic reading (ouch....so damn serious) or indulging myself with FB, blogs, twitter, online games, movies, hang out, lazing around and simply doing nothing...so time will tell if those change really in place...

Sometimes I can see people around me moving on as well...to the path that good or path that only destruct himself/herself and people around. Probably life experience, reading and comparing one self and others' fortune, a luxury so called time, new worthy circle of friends, new environment embrace might be causes of moving on.....well..those act as perimeter to monitor with watchful eyes and heart to gauge my own life and probably a time will tell that me have to move too....

Zulhijjah is at the dawn...All Muslims will celebrate Muharam which denotes a new Hijri Calendar 1433...new year coming with new trial and tribulation to renew faith to Him and many good things awaiting...hopefully...1432 was not a great one when I lost my father but for some 1432 bring happiness...

It nearly 12. 15 here...a good time to move slowly to the bed....

p/s - so sad to hear that some families in Kelantan and Terengganu need to move on to secure and better place due to flood..Pray that they will keep the faith and pray that those families of mine and whoever back in Kelantan safe and be strong with this trial and tribulation in life..

This is the life that it meant to be...a life that I would never expect...and thinking over it everyday with the thought of quieting always linger at the back of my feeble mind...huhu...Yes, I need to have more than a courage to face, deal, outwit whatever storm, trial and tribulation in this journey. Quieting even at the initial stage sounds premature or anti-climax but losing a father a few days after me registered myself in UK...M (reality bites huh!!) is a valid justification. Seriously post-losing scenario is horrendous and ferocious to endure..particularly trying to juggle between taking care of a mother and to be always on my toes in my study. Seriously for those who read this entry either you know me or not please pray and doa for me to be strong and tough and Allah will endow me His strength and success too as He has granted upon others.

Will I quit? Will I survive? Watch this space...as I will write more on my journey..sometimes and I think most of the time it is better to write things here or meroyan here rather than elsewhere.

Finally I have a gut to write this entry…and it took me more than 80 days to find courage and beautiful words to describe the one and only man in my life. Frankly, not a single word in this entry justify in describing who he was to me, how nuisance I was to him, how he felt towards me and how he meant to me.

He to me was a strict person, at one time I was too dreadful to show him my exam result…it was so bad that I snuggled under the blanket and locked myself up. I won’t dare to do something stupid even behind his back and he deserved my utmost respect.

He was the first one who knew my potential; he used to say that being in legal profession suited me and I guessed that life script had ingrained in me….so I did apply for a law degree but to no avail. I have let him down as I know he demanded nothing but the best in my study and got the best career. Through out the years I have tried to show him that my last resort as teacher cum lecturer wasn’t that bad at all… In fact he was the driving force for me to pursue my study and to complete it. He was the one who woke up early morning waited for ringing tone and dressed up nicely to pick me up from bus station during my 2 years master stint (week in-week out from my hometown to Shah Alam)

He had a good perseverance and never-die attitude, he rarely qualm about his ailment and always stay positive. Through out his life, even from his youngster years, He had to battle with a lot of ailment and operations. Alas, he remained optimistic. He fought for every chance; he tried any medication, prescriptions, injection, traditional herb, physiotherapy and supplement in his endeavor to heal. I guess that was his trial and tribulation in life. He abhorred each time I displayed my frustration mode each time I have to face hurdles and trial. I remember vividly….I used to express my dismay when my application to continue my career in public university was not accepted….he lifted me up and said ‘it is ok….look at the positive side…you can be here and take care of us… Allah has a better plan….. Again my heart sank when my application to do a doctorate abroad was rejected ….He just mustered a smile on his face and said ‘….it is still ok not to study abroad….you have traveled abroad many times before…so that is a good experience too’…Deep down both of us knew, this is what he really wanted me to do…alas he remained calm and poised.

He to me an adamant person….he walked the talked. He would do to things that he believed. He had a tight routine from morning to dawn and stick to that without failed. His life resolved around his Quranic recitation, drove to work, went to mosque and his TV programme.

Today and onwards…there will never be the same without him.. Nobody would barge into my room and sat beside me every time he wanted me to read his letter from bank, to check on footy result, to discuss his plan, to clear about his confusion over things and to do nail clippers…

Babah,

I miss you since 4 September 2011, a day when I left a house to pursuit my study in KL. I still remember you last gaze to me and words I uttered to you. You know how much u meant to me and even words cannot describe how much you meant to me. Forgive your daughter and am so sorry for being nuisance to you and failed to live the life that you want me to do.

Today and onwards…I lose one trust and prayer (doa) from you…I miss your lullaby every morning…..I miss your hair gel adour and I miss our moment together when we traveled to Sabah and Sarawak….I really wants him to attend my doctorate graduation in abroad university one day and am sorry for not being able to do so………

Babah,

Allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa’aafihi wa’fu’anhu..

May you soul rest amongst those within the sanctity of Jannah and May Allah purge you off your sins….

The thought of you always be with me and I miss you very much…I pray that Allah will give me His strength to deal with this lost and for me to face trial and tribulation which I can foresee in future…..

Al-fatihah….