Ellie chronicles

No other words can say how much you mean to me....just enjoy the lyric in this song


Ma, I know you aint read this, let alone to understand the words in English...but I know how much I love you, I will try my best to be your best daughter, I will try to make you happy and I am truly cherish the time we spent together everyday and during our vacation. Thank you for your faith and doa..

Ma...that song is for you...

Most of the time I feel dreadful to write this entry….not only dreadful, also anguish and enrage…..

X: Why do you become a teacher?
(I always receive this question)

Me: “Why not?” (Usual reply)

In my own silent moment I can hear this lullaby over and over again in my ears. Yaa….I keep asking this question myself too……..

X: Is that the status and privilege?

Me: Status?? Are u kidding me?? Am not a university lecturer let alone a doctor, professors in university….that is a league that too far to reach…

Is that a high status if it confine for the institution meant for third grades, nearly drop out from school? I would not consider it a high status at all. Countless class, uncountable students, lousy attitude, silver spoon feed and the list is too long to be mentioned….sigh!

Privilege?? What do I get as a teacher? My own room emblazons with my name at the door? The fact speaks…many parties even KPT snubs us….for some people we are only teacher to the third class pupil, hence am a third class teacher.

X: Is that the salary? Fringe benefits?

Me: Am I laughing all the way to the bank every month? Smirk. (My usual reply)

This one I scratch my head….I found it groundless unless if you are greedy academician, hired by your own friends’ consortium, demanded how much you want, swallowed and maximized your fat belly and suddenly you uttered the words “Our business is education”!!! Your words and performance deserved standing ovation!! F***ing Crap!!!

Everybody knows that being a third grade teacher will not entitle you to get a better salary. Even to my bewilderment my critical allowance was cut. So that is the price I need to pay as teacher who already produce hundred over graduates contributing in this country. They are not doctors, saving lives and doing experiment in lab (those so called high flying job) but hell, they know how to fix your light, fix your electronic gadget so that no more dirty laundry, built your spacious mansions and make your car on road again. Enuff said!!

X: Is that an easy job to do with a good payment?

Me Easy? Watch out your mouth!!
That is why people suddenly change to the new leaf to be a lecturer, to entitle better salary scheme and consider this job as easy? A lot to ponder here!!

Who said that being a teacher is easy? My job isn’t 8-1, it is 8-5 job, or even more….To nurture individual to be a jewel aint easy…picked them, identify their potential, let them know their strength, guide them to make mistakes and polish their potential. Along the way I failed, cracked under pressure, yelled my heart out and frustrated to see them become the victims of their own foolishness.

Is that easy? Please become one and you will know how pain-staking the process is.

My answer to all this question is simple….I may not receive a salary that parallel with my qualification and my past agony. I may not entitle to whatever privilege and high status enjoyed by many lecturers in public universities in other KPT wing. I will always be considered and treated as third class teacher ….

One thing I know ……….I am a teacher because I know I have the inborn talent, capacity and ability to be one. Regardless of what people think about me, I believe my teaching is fun and simple and surely aspired my students...

Am I answering your question? Am I made myself clear?

Smirk!!!

Some parts from this lyric that connect to me...

Hope is all that i got! Someday!!!

Recent developments, encounters, events, statements, incident around me really give a toll on me. I felt lethargic and brittle. My head spun. At time tears drop unconsciously. The heart devastated and sank. Mind aint stop thinking. Most of the times, I lost myself in the crowd. I translated and observed closely every encounter. I read the emotion lies between the lines. Made reflection. Tried to make sense out of it.

I counted every possibility. I wrote every fortune endowed to others. I jot down my misfortune. I enjoyed the others smooth ride. I experienced my own bumpy, craggy ride. I ran in others’ tunnel with chandeliers on. I crawled in my own tunnel with flickers of light and hope.

I braced myself to continue crawling. The knees were swollen. Tried to stand up with whatever left in me. It was damn hard. Keep holding on...but I fell down many times. Hurt my ankle. Half way I felt tired. Hell, the tunnel is long. Many times my body tried to stop. Exhaled every breath. I lost hope. I scared. No more tears. Dry. Only blood and sweat.

I am crawling with whatever left.....
I am praying to be in your tunnel..........





Hazami - Kiblat ku

Sejauh mana pun ku lari
menggapai hasrat yang terpendam
biar berkali rebah ku bangun
walau payah

ku himpun kudrat dan harapan
mengiringi azam yang usang
sinar seakan pudar

bila terbit sang suria
begitulah semangat tegar
meskipun musimkan silih berganti
ku terus melangkah
daku gagahi
mencari arah
oh Tuhan sinarilah kiblatku

keringat diteman embunan
kicau unggas turut berdoa
purnama bagai tenangkan perang didalam hati
ku himpun kudrat dan harapan
mengiringi azam yang usang
sinar seakan pudar

kala sujudku pada kesyukuran
dalam mimpi ada sedih
menghantui andai ku alpa
langit kejayaanku
berkiblat padaMU hanya satu

March is almost at the exit door, I have the mixed feeling towards March…why??
March reminds me how much progress that I have made this year…in fact none, the list in the diary left untouched, I am still unable to delete the list…sigh!!! 3 months gone without nothing to be proud of unless mundane routine.


March also brought too many memories and pains which I endure last year, yes March last year still brought me tears and how deluded moron I was…or I am…. Surely I have learnt a lot and I don’t want it regurgitates because the heart still feel the twinge of agony, sinking and it is not easy to heal!!! Enuff said!!!

31 December

We were enthralled with Murano and Venice and after 2 days in Locanda Conterie, we bid farewell and knew deep down in our heart that would be our last visit..huhu...

Our flight to UK scheduled on 1 Jan, so we stayed a night at B & B (bed and no breakfast yaa) at San Dona. To get there, we have to go through obstacles...huhu...

First - the bus ticket, to board a bus in Italy, we needed to buy the ticket only via designated machine..usually near to the bus stand and rest assure, the machine is bilingual or trilingual, I supposed, as it appears instruction in Italy, English and French. Of course, we were baffled what to do but after observing local people, we learned and managed to get the billet. (actually it is ok to buy the billet from driver, just it is a bit expensive...and most local people have ACTV card..macam kad bulanan laa)

Second - Bus....we know exactly the number and place to wait but whenever we asked the driver, they just said no and cabut..so?? we asked the local and after we missed 2 buses, we finally boarded the bus....

Third - the question is where on earth via San Dona?? Everything written in Italian, none spoken English and the place look similar. Then, we braced ourselves to ask one of the lady we encountered at the airport. She didn't tell us the exact location so using only our intuition we stopped and after asking 4 local people and 2 non-friendly senile ladies, we finally reached the B&B. One thing about Italy, many of its people especially the young generation able to converse themselves in English unlike French.

At the hostel, we met couple from Spain and on that new year night I was blessed to experience snow. Of course there was a commotion outside when the clock stroke midnight, but we just ignored and we only realized the snow till 5 in the morning and went hullabaloo about it!!! hehehe...Yes, snow in Venice, and to kampung gurl like me who only watched snow flakes in telly, cartoon and Manchester United magazine, surely my heart jumped with joy!!! Thank you Allah and I will forever cherish this experience as I know I wont have the chance to see more in the future!!!









1 January 2009

Headed to Piazzale Roma, took ACTV bus (nama syarikat operasi bus, Rapid Fire, Transnasional etc in Mesia)to Marco Polo Venice Airport. The Piazzale Roma is Venice's gateway to all transportation mode, you can get vaporetto, buses (orange line) and can take taxis to Mestre, train station.


Piazzale Roma

It was a wonderful journey to Italy, to observe its people with latest fashion statement, holding latest design of LV from top to the bottom and deep down I pray that the visit is not the last, hope that one fine day I can put my humble feet in Rome and Milan.

That's about all, my humble and meagre memoirs of the trips to Europe....of course I was unable to visit many places.....but am more than happy, with the pray granted by Him and with my meagre income I still can reach these places......

Life is really unpredictable affairs. One minute you are happy, one minute you heart sank and devastated, the other minute you lose hope and you do have a mix feeling (no, that nothing to do with hormone...smirk). It is hard to endure, to survive and remain unscathed from the scare. Whatever life has to offer, just take it, face it.....always expect the best and prepare for the worst! What more just keep holding and never losing grip.

Life can be freaking irony sometimes......even though your life is too miserable, your future is too blurry to see, here you are still offering and guiding others, alleviating one spirit, keep pushing others to reach for the best in their future!!!
Keep telling others not to stop believing in their self though you probably losing yours!!! That is life........

When your day fill with tears, frustration and sorrow just keep holding on and don't stop believing!!!






p/s How I wish I could siphon things I have in my mind here!!!